Walk in the woods.

The blue bells and ferns are all out in the woods at Ilkley. We set off in the newly fixed Fonz car and headed off towards the Cow and calf rocks and down to Ilkley town. Monza started to Squeak and leap about in the back as we passed the rocks. He knew it was nearly walky time.....


I am awake.....I think. Lee is down stairs. He was awake before me and started watching telly.


 T Rex. David Cassidy. The godfather. 1972 apparently. We are up very early drinking tea. The radio is playing one of those guess the year things and we are all the way back in 1972 when Lee was five and only interested in setting stuff alight with his dad's ciggy lighter and I was at boarding school with my poster of David Cassidy on the wall. I later abandoned him for Donny Osmond as My best friend at that time thought the Osmonds were the bee's knees. I don't think my true heart was in it but I did get to see the Osmonds on a trip to London for her thirteenth birthday.
My own thirteenth birthday was spent on holiday in Scarborough staying in a bed and breakfast hotel near the old bus station. I got sun burnt and fainted. A miserable time where I discovered that I did not get on very well in any social occasions and my dislike of people really started to materialise. Even the breakfast part of the bed and breakfast thing was a trial..... I did not get on with my own mother very well either and my history of depression began here. Mum would tell me I had a "chip on my shoulder" and to pull myself together and I in return thought she was a stupid embarrassing cow. I would be happy one minute and then angry then so depressed I would not move or speak would follow.......
oh yes those were the days !!!1972. Shit pot. A really "great holiday" ......I remember returning to school after the summer holiday and everyone else had been  on daddy's yacht in the Mediterranean or Spain or some such and arrived back with a trunk full of new clothes , pleased to see everyone for the new year. Except me. No one was ever pleased to see me.

Ilkley yesterday was really beautiful. We took Monza to the woods first ...this week we kept to the path and did not attempt the climb up to the moors. Lee's meds are working but they are not in control yet and so his feet and hands are not all they might me and he still has a lot of pain.....so we all took the easy route this week....

Really fabulous with all the sun light coming down trough the trees.

Just birds singing and otherwise quiet and no people......yes really fabulous......

We chatted as we walked. Monza sniffed and trotted along happily. this is after all a great doggy day out for him....
I have reached a point now where I am sick and tired of struggling with life all the damn time. I want more out of the time I have than just waiting to die and working at a shit job to pay every life expense there is.
I am monumentally fed up with being yelled at by bully neighbour  and festeringly angry with the stalker that has been haunting me. To the point now where I am vicious.actually......

Lee spends way too much time sitting on his own in the garage in front of his computer when I am out.....And I have come to a conclusion that bully neighbour is right......nasty.....horrible violent bully of a man.....but he is right. Could have been put better and no need for the violence and intimidation but he is right about one thing...Lee does spend all too much time drinking and smoking in the garage.

Gets up his nose so he says. He comes back stressed from long hours at work and there Lee is in the garage drinking and smoking whilst I am out at work.This really really annoys bully boy. He called Lee out for a fight. I was convinced he actually was going to leap at him and stood between them.

So yes. time to stop waiting to die and move on. as we walked we ran through options. I am ready to move on. I have done it before and I see no reason not to this time. This way of life is not working out.

I am tempted to sell up and leave. I have looked into options of moving to another area and buying a different property further out in the country..... Or just selling everything. The damn lot....dolls junk everything and then renting something somewhere on short lets and keep moving on.

Bully boy has broken my back. He is persecuting Lee. To the point where he has moved his chair in his kitchen so that when ever Lee is outside bully boy can always be seen. Bully boy drinks and smokes himself and makes a big deal of posturing about with his can of beer and a ciggy.  No problem letting anyone who will listen what a tosser Lee is and how is going to report him as a scrounger on the state for claiming disability benefits when he is clearly an alcoholic. (by the way......I do all the paper work for this. I know it is not fraud. It is me who claims tax credits. WORKING tax credits for which I am entitled )

So now that the car is fixed we went out for the day in the hope that this would make us feel better.
Has it? well a bit. I have started to look into courses that Lee could do as a student.

Why not? There is a lovely Mechanics qualification at Leeds college he would be really good at. Lee is a qualified mechanic (the car kind!) But...and this is a BUT...it was 35 years ago. so really time for an update!???

We pondered this and buying apiece of land and putting a caravan/cabin/shed on it to live in etc etc etc...whilst we trotted along and I took photos....

Something has to change. So I am looking up courses and funding.  Lee was up early. Very annoyingly he has now gone back to bed and is a sleep as I write. unfortunately he is not interested at all. Can not even be bothered to look at the computer.

So. It is time to move on again.just do not say I did not try.

25/5 /1925. My mother's birthday. Born in 1925.( would be something like 98 this year but died of cancer aged 58) My father's birthday was 28 th May in 1923 Would be something like 100. Killed himself in 1968). And of course Lee's dad is 27th May....This Sunday and he still lives. If you call sitting in front of the telly smoking a life...then he still lives.

Lee has just woken up to make more tea. He has asked me to read him this day's blog. He always does......
So I did.